Uncomfortable feelings are part of what it means to be human, but we don’t always know what to do with them. One way of seeing these feelings is to imagine them to be like a Ball of Discomfort.
This ball represents the energy of our emotions. We experience this energy as physical sensations in the body. For example, we might feel a tightening in the stomach and a racing heart when fearful.
Emotional energy is part of our survival mechanism. It motivates us to move towards safety and away from danger. This energy is meant to be in motion and flow through our body: e-motion, as it were.
If we allow ourselves to feel these emotions fully, the energy passes through the body within a matter of minutes. The sensations then dissipate, and a sense of calm is restored.
Our ball will naturally deflate itself.
However, most of us will do anything we can to avoid being with our Ball of Discomfort because … well … it’s uncomfortable!
We ignore it. We try to cover it up. We suppress it. We distract ourselves by making ourselves busy. We try to numb our feelings by overeating, drinking too much, over-medicating. We escape into our thoughts and try and make sense of what is happening. All of which takes place below conscious awareness.
The problem is, avoiding our emotions can have unintended consequences.
If we do not allow our feelings and we stay in our heads, we are more likely to get stuck in the story we hold about the situation – a story that is born of fear. We ruminate on regrets about the past and worries about the future.
If we do not allow our feelings, we give an unconscious message to our brain that the emotional sensations themselves are to be feared.
And so, a cycle of fear is created. In effect, we inflate our own ball, pumping it up with fear.
The fear triggers a threat response that releases stress hormones into the body. If prolonged, this can have a negative impact on our physical and/ or emotional wellbeing. We may become anxious or depressed. We may experience physical symptoms, such as pain or fatigue.
If we do not allow our feelings, the emotional energy gets stuck in the body. This stuck energy can explode unpredictably into the present moment, overwhelming us with feelings that really belong to the past. We end up reacting to these past feelings rather than responding to what is happening here and now.
Finally, if we do not allow our feelings, we may inadvertently pass our ball onto others. This risks harming our relationship with them. Incidentally, it is also possible to take on the ball of others who are trying to avoid feeling their feelings. When this happens, it can feel like our emotions have come from nowhere and we start to doubt our perspective.
Allowing our feelings lies at the heart of our emotional and physical wellbeing. And yet, most of us find it so difficult to do so.
Our ability to tolerate these feelings will, in large part, depend on of the way we were met in our emotions as a child; whether we were seen and soothed in our distress or rejected and left alone.
Thankfully, there are simple steps we can take to improve our ability to allow our feelings.
1. Find the feeling
First, place your attention on the emotional sensations in your body. Welcome them with curiosity.
If you find it difficult to access the sensations, don’t worry. Just start by noticing the feeling of the seat beneath you.
With practice you will notice that you can feel more. Perhaps a tightening here, or a pressure there.
You might want to ask yourself the following questions as you bring your awareness to a particular feeling in your body:
what kind of feeling is this?
whereabouts is this feeling?
is this feeling on the inside or the outside?
does this feeling have a size or a shape?
does this feeling have a sound?
is there anything else about this feeling?
These questions may seem a little strange to begin with, but you’d be surprised what can arise if you sit with them for a while.
For example, for one person ‘scared’ felt like a pressure across her chest. This became a dark, dark storm cloud, filled to bursting with rain. She felt fearful because she knew that thunder could happen at any moment.
2. Stay with the feeling
Second, stay with the sensations in your body. Let go of any need to analyse, justify, or fix the feeling.
You don’t have to understand where it came from, or why you are having it. You don’t even need to know what the emotion is.
Bring compassion to yourself as you let the emotional energy pass through your body, in its own time.
If the feelings become intense, you can help soothe yourself by taking gentle belly breaths. Some people find it helpful to imagine that they are breathing into the feeling.
Give yourself messages of safety as you sit with your feelings:
I’m ok. I’m safe.
This energy will pass naturally through my body if I allow myself to feel the feelings I’m having.
These are just feelings that want to be expressed though my body.
Don’t worry if you catch yourself going up into your head, into thinking and understanding. That’s normal – especially if staying with your feelings is not familiar to you.
Congratulate yourself for having noticed this, and gently bring your awareness back to the sensations in your body.
When the person with the ‘scared’ dark storm cloud sat with her feeling in this way for five minutes or so, the intensity of the feeling gradually subsided until she could barely feel it. Her Ball of Discomfort deflated itself as she let go of the fear of the sensations themselves.
Being with your Ball of Discomfort gets easier with practice. You’ll notice that your tolerance of uncomfortable feelings increases as you do so. But be patient with yourself. Like learning any new skill, it will take time.
This is not about feeling better. It’s about getting better at feeling.
Feelings are there to be felt, not fixed. The great thing is that as you get better at feeling, you’ll notice that, as a byproduct, you’ll start to feel better – to feel calmer, more peaceful.
Allowing your feelings in this way gives you the space needed to settle yourself. You can then take a step back and do a reality check on the story you hold about the situation. Is the threat you perceive real or not?
Rather than going into reactive mode, you can respond in a way that is proportional to the situation.
The choices you make will be more considered and there will be less risk of inadvertently passing your ball onto others.
You might also question whether you are, in fact, holding onto a ball that has been passed to you by someone else. In which case, you can choose to put it down.
Some people find it helpful to see feelings of discomfort as an alarm, letting them know that something needs their attention. Not the alarm of a fire alarm warning you of danger. But rather the alarm of an alarm clock, waking you up to the need to bring some care and attention to yourself.
The video below summarises the process of being with your Ball of Discomfort.
Jon’s story
The metaphor of the Ball of Discomfort has helped me take a step back from a situation rather than getting caught up in my thoughts. I now do a kind of internal ‘press pause’ when I feel discomfort and say to myself,
Ahh. It’s that Ball again!
It really helps to know that the feelings are just emotional energy that needs to pass through my body. It’s made me less frightened of my feelings.
The idea of the ball helps me separate what’s mine from what belongs to others. I can feel compassion for the other person without having to take their ball as my own.
I can’t tell you how settling, empowering even, it feels to see things in this way. I’ve become calmer and less reactive. And it’s so simple really.
Illustrations by Lucy Monkman.
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